Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue