Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

motivation

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

kevin is now a local weatherman

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH