Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

She was rare, like a goth jogging

Seems a bit forward

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet