Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

I put the mess in domestic.

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Can. I. Help. You.

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

‘I know a black person’

– White people

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you