Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
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My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I have a black belt in leather
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.