Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
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Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
When ur friends with white people
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
what are they serving at kfc then???
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Practicing safe sax
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.