“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling