@ClichedOut

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

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@CindyMeakin

<—- Wonders if aliens just call their ride a FO instead of UFO.

@lloydrang

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

@Home_Halfway

“Please stop being mean” – Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle

@Scdavis24

Two things I will never understand the appeal of:
1) Open relationships
2) Hairless cats

@Smooheed

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

@jwoodham

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

@fro_vo

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

@Book_Krazy

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

@panmidwest

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg