“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

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<—- Wonders if aliens just call their ride a FO instead of UFO.


Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.


“Please stop being mean” – Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle


Two things I will never understand the appeal of:
1) Open relationships
2) Hairless cats


When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first


All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.


Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t


[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”


DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one