*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real