i hope this email finds you fast and furious
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[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Kermit goes Blue.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Me recordaron éste meme
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.