I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
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Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter