Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.