Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

Let’s Go

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.