Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
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this sign has the same social anxiety i have
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.