oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
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(Musicians.)
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”