Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

You better watch out

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

Pikachu found the lost joint

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit