Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

My what?

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.