Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
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Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.