Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

…

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.