Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

Natural selection at its finest

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

A dating app called Unhinged where you agree to meet up and fight each other.

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.