Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
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My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
(Musicians.)
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself