Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
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If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born