Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
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I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
12. I think about this all the damn time
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides