Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
