Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
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When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
saw this in a dream
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.