Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Stop sending me this shit.
