Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
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I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
The news in a nutshell.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.