Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
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Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first