Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I would like even faster food.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.