Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
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Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Do not levitate over flowers
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with