Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
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If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Today’s tshirt
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.