Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
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If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Best spoiler warning ever
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.