Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
You Might Also Like
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.