Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Finally, a door that understands me
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread