Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.![]()
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Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.