Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
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If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
A new level of troll.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.