Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

u guys got any snacks onboard here

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!