Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!