Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it