Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
*names my little horse OneTrick*