Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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this country is so goddamn polarized
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.