Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.![]()
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Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
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Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
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Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”