Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.