Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
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ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss