Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

Shortcut

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕