Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?