Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂😂😂😂😂

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

Lmao

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”