OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
happy mother’s day❤️
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.