@ahhhhron

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

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@13spencer

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

@TylerFoFyler

Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said “strip down facing me,” she meant my credit card.

@iMonkGreen

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

@RandomManik

-So how can we help you today Mr Benson?

“Please. Mr Benson was my father.”

-Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

@GinRumMe

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.