Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Who did it better?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
