Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
