Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
How I like cutting carbs
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here