@TheDarkSideCEO

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

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@LizHackett

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

@ch000ch

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

@KenJennings

Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.

@DannyEarl

Personally, I think Lance Armstrong should keep his trophies and awards.

Last time I rode a bike on drugs I ended up in my neighbors bushes

@Schmoodles

Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.

@GingerHotDish

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

@mela_shea

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

@Wine_Charmer

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

@AndrewNadeau0

Hats were invented in 1784 when a Canadian was too polite to ask a raccoon to get off his head.