Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.