Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.