Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

mood

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.