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Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
