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I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
went fishing caught a bass
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.