Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
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Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz