Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

j o i m p

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.