optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
You Might Also Like
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Always…
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
yeah no that’s fair
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now