Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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ME: finally a program for me

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder