optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
