optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”