optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.