Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

Pringles

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

Mistakes were made

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS