@AdamOfEarth

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

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@AmishPornStar1

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

@BillyWayneDavis

Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.

@RowdyBerger

My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars

@bencoffeehall

I joined a Cold War reenactment group. We just sit around and act nervous about the USSR.

@Reverend_Scott

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

@sarcasticmommy4

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

@UnFitz

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

@brendanmcginley

Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.

@Mom_Overboard

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.