Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
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discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Good dog. ❤️
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Happy thanksgiving
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.