Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

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You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.


Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.


My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars


I joined a Cold War reenactment group. We just sit around and act nervous about the USSR.


SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?


New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.


Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”


Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.


Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.