Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

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