Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

I’m about to risk it all

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️