Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
You Might Also Like
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.