Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
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Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
These aliens are taking forever.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN