Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
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Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Mornin
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.