Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
You Might Also Like
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me: