Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
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At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*