Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.