Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.