Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

Reporter: *ports again*

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber