Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So inspired right now.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

🤨

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

*pronounces UPS like yoops

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.