Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.